Entries Tagged as 'Divorce Mediation and Law'

Conservation of Energy in Conversation

Seth Godin has some sage advice today….

Conservation of energy in conversation

If you escalate (cut off in traffic, angry at the gate agent, frustrated at your boss), you’ve just added (negative) energy to a conversation.

If you escalate (high-pitched enthusiasm, a hug, encouraging words), you’ve just added (positive) energy to a conversation.

Once the energy is added, it has to go somewhere. Often, the person you’re engaging with throws it right back, or even increases it. A talented, mature person might take your negative energy and de-escalate it, or even swallow it and permit the conversation to calm down or end. But don’t count on it.

Sure, you can ‘win’ a conversation by overwhelming your opponent with energy they can’t handle. But of course, they’re not your opponent and you don’t really win. Being aware of the energy you add or take from interactions is a sophisticated technique that radically changes the outcomes of the conversations that fill your day. Add the good stuff, absorb the bad stuff and focus on the outcomes, not the bravado.

New York Finally Embraces Irreconcilable Differences

New York state was the last state in the United States not to offer its citizens a no fault cause of action for divorce.  In August 2010, Governor David Paterson signed into law a bill which adds irreconcilable differences as a cause of action.  Property division, alimony, parenting and child support will need to be resolved before one party can swear under oath that the marriage has been irretrievably broken for 6 months.

Unattractive? Ugly? Maybe you should settle your lawsuit…

A recently published study by Cornell University indicated that “ugly” or unattractive people who are defendants in criminal trials are 22% more likely to be found guilty and are given longer sentences on average (22 months longer) than attractive people.  The scientists conducting the study tried to look at why this occurs.  Study co-author Justin Gunnell said:

Information processing can proceed through two pathways, a rational one and an experiential one. The former is characterized by an emphasis on analysis, fact and logical argument, whereas the latter is characterized by emotional and personal experience.  Our hypothesis was that if we identify the two groups, then the experiential people are more likely to focus on extralegal factors, which shouldn’t have any bearing on the legal process.  Attractiveness was the variable we used.

The study confirmed what it referred to as an “unattractive harshness effect.”  Jurors who processed information in more of an “experiential” manner were the ones who gave longer sentences and were more likely to convict.

Psychologists and sociologists have long known of the advantages which more attractive people have:  they are more likely to be hired and are generally paid more than less attractive people.  Hollywood is practically defined by attractiveness.

Most lawyers will say that the outcome of many trials hinges on how well the jurors or judge “like” the litigants, lawyers and witnesses who appear in front of them.  The trier of fact gives credibility or believes who they think is more attractive.

As I’ve indicated many times, settling a lawsuit or divorce matter is almost always in the best interests of all parties due to the unknowns of trial.  Part of the unknown results from human biases, some of which were detailed in this study.  We all like to think of a trial as “justice” but the reality sometimes is that it is a popularity or beauty contest.

If you would like to consider mediation to resolve your lawsuit or divorce, please feel free to contact me to discuss your situation further.

See a Real Mediation in Action

Most of my regular readers know I almost never have “war stories” of my mediations on this blog.  The primary reason why is confidentiality.  When my clients enter a mediation, they have an absolute expectation that what is said in the mediation room stays in the mediation room.  They do not expect their dirty laundry to be aired over the internet, even if carefully camouflaged by changing or omitting the names of the parties.  This level of confidentiality also makes it harder to market mediation.  How can I easily explain mediation by example?  There are plenty of law and court based television shows, but almost no mediation shows.

The Maryland Mediation and Conflict Resolution Office (MACRO) does an excellent job of marketing mediation.  To this end, they have produced an excellent video on different types of mediation.  The mediations feature actual disputants who have waived their confidentiality privilege and touch on different areas of mediation (commercial/business cases, divorce, family, community and peer [students in school]).  The common misconception about mediation is everything sitting around a campfire singing Kumbaya and wondering why we can’t all get along.  While most mediations are civil, the reality, as you can see in the video, is that mediations often involve difficult discussions, difficult decisions and facing the issues directly with your adversary.  The results of the process are usually a better relationship — even if it means ending it on better terms.

The video is in .wmv format and can be viewed by clicking here.

Please contact me to find out is mediation is right to resolve your divorce, family and elder issues or commercial dispute.

An Apology or Slap in the Face?

I have written before about the power and effectiveness of a sincere apology to help resolve a dispute. Now from West Virginia, a completely different way to resolve a dispute: a slap.

Stewart Altmeyer, a prosecutor in Kanawha County, was suspended without pay for one month for agreeing to drop a larceny charge in exchange for allowing the alleged victim to slap the defendant.

In a mediation, I (or most of my colleagues) do not allow violence to be the outcome of any mediation.

Is Hiring a Detective to Spy on Your Spouse Harassment? In NY, no.

The case of Anonymous vs. Anonymous (so captioned by the court to protect the identities of all involved) recently asked and answered this question.  This case involved a wife who filed for divorce in November 2008.  The husband filed a counterclaim, alleging that the wife was having an affair.  In February 2009, the court entered a protective order requiring the husband to keep 1000 feet away from the wife’s residence and place of employment (excepting visitation and church attendance). In August 2009, the husband hired a private detective to spy on his wife.  The detective followed her to a hotel where the detective recorded proof that the wife was having an affair with their priest.  The matter became a little more public when the husband told another priest during a confessional of the affair, causing the church to launch an investigation (during which the DVD was given to church officials).  While the wife did not contest the affair, she asserted she was being harassed and that her husband had violated the protective order by hiring the detective.

Family Court Judge Debra J. Kiedaisch ruled that “under the circumstances, the hiring of the private investigator, in and of itself, was not an unlawful intrusion upon the rights of the wife secured by the order of protection.”  She said that the husband had the right to “gather evidence up to the date of trial in defense of the matrimonial action and in support of his own counterclaims.”

“If the husband had the wife followed and recorded … for the purpose of gathering embarrassing material to deliver to her employer with the intention to cause her to lose her employment,” that might rise to “conduct which alarms or seriously annoys another person, and serves no legitimate purpose” — second-degree harassment under New York law — Kiedaisch wrote.

Are Judges and Juries like Referees and Umpires? Are Referees and Umpires Fair? Why lawsuits are crapshoots.

Analogies between a finder of fact (a judge or jury) and referees or umpires (the arbiter of a game’s rules) are often made.  It is open to debate whether the analogy firmly holds.  However, it is often interesting to discuss whether any “neutral” decider of an outcome (game rules or rules of law) have biases.

When a party enters the courthouse or arbitration room, each party expects (and hopes) that the person(s) making the decision as to who is “right” is being impartial and fair. It is certainly open to debate how to define fair, which is usually in the eye of the beholder.  Each time I went through arbitration training (to be a private judge), the class is asked to perform an exercise.  The class is broken up into groups of three people.  One person plays the arbitrator, one person the complainant and the other the respondent.  Each group is given the same exact fact pattern and the parties make their cases.  After a specified period of time, the arbitrator makes their ruling which is turned into the person running the training.  Every single time I’ve done the exercise, the distribution of rulings in the room fall out from one  end of the possible spectrum to the other with everything in between.

Why?  Everyone had the same exact case to argue.  Shouldn’t “justice” be consistent?  In reality, several things happen.  First, not every party presents the case the same exact way.  Some people are more effective than others, just as some lawyers are better skilled than others. In a real case, anyone who speaks (lawyers, witnesses) can have good and bad days.  Trials are performances.  Second, every single human being has biases.  We grow up with things we like or don’t like.  We have all had good and bad experiences with things, people and scenarios.  These create the filters through which we see the world.  There is also a theory many attorneys ascribe to which states that whomever the jury or arbitrators likes better in terms of attorneys and litigants will win the case. Likability trumps “rightness”.

Getting back to the sports (referee) analogy, there have been some recent studies showing bias in referees.  And I am not referring to the Tim Donaghys of the world who seek personal gain from their on-the-court rulings.  In the Netherlands, two professors discovered that soccer (the other football) referees are more likely to call ambiguous fouls on taller players.  A study out of England showed that referees favored home teams in their calls, especially in disciplinary sanctions (yellow and red cards).  From the world of Tae Kwon Do, referees tend to award more points to competitors wearing red uniforms.

In the U.S., college basketball referees tend to also favor the home team by calling fewer fouls.  The college refs also try to level the playing field for the teams by issuing “make up” calls, calling more fouls on the team in the lead, and trying to even up the number of fouls between the teams regardless of the aggressiveness of the level of play of each team.  A 2007 study also found that white NBA referees tend to call more fouls on black players than white players.

Even just looking at the games you watch, do you agree with each decision the referee or umpire makes regarding your team?  How about instant replay, the analogy of an appeal in court?  Does the referee get it right even when they have a TV with 20 angles and slow motion to look at each play?  Sometimes not.

So what does all of this tell you?  Try to resolve the case without having someone else decide it for you.  That’s what mediation helps the parties accomplish.  The outcome is on your terms and is unaffected by the biases of others.

Please contact me if you would like to further discuss how mediation can help facilitate a resolution to your lawsuit, divorce or family dispute.

Want Palimony in NJ?? Get it in Writing.

On January 18, 2010 departing NJ Governor Jon Corzine signed into law bill S2091, which mandates that any palimony agreement must be in writing and with the advice of independent counsel for both parties.  Palimony is the common term for a promise of support by one person to another in a relationship where the parties are not married to each other. This law aims to overturn several court cases which established even implied oral support promises could be enforceable.

Previously, the NJ Supreme Court had established the concept of palimony.  In Devaney v. L’Esperance, 195 N.J. 247 (2008) and in re Estate of Roccamonte, 174 N.J. 381 (2002), the New Jersey Supreme Court upheld the concept of palimony agreements between two unmarried cohabitants.  In Devaney, the court held that “cohabitation is not an essential requirement for a cause of action for palimony, but a marital-type relationship is required.”  In Roccamonte, the court held that an implied promise of support for life is enforceable against the promisor’s (cohabitant’s) estate.  Those decisions are consistent with the court’s prior decision in Kozlowski v. Kozlowski, 80 N.J. 378 (1979), which said a promise of lifetime support by one cohabitant to another in a marital-like relationship would be enforced, if one of the partners was induced to cohabit by the promise.  The court stated the right to such support is found in contract principles and that the contract may be either express or implied.

The takeaway:  if you want palimony in NJ, get it in writing and have it reviewed by your attorney.

Would you take less than 30%? Most Would Not.

Part of being an effective mediator is having a good understanding about how people make decisions.  After all, a mediator is assisting people in making decisions.  We all like to think we are making rational decisions.  However, that is not always the case (despite our best efforts to the contrary).

Professor Daniel Ariely (Duke University and MIT) conducts extensive research on human behavior and has written a fabulous book on this topic, Predictably Irrational.  He looks at how free! really isn’t free and how morality disappears when we’re emotionally (or sexually) aroused.

In game theory, there is a game called the Ultimatum Game.  One person is given an allotment of money, say $1000, and is told to offer a certain portion of it to another person.  If the other person accepts, they both get that amount of money.  If the second person declines, neither party gets the money.  Rationally, the second person should accept anything offered to them as any dollar they receive is more than they had previously. Studies done by Professor Ariely and his collegues have shown that most people will not accept less than 30% of the total pot.

There are a number of theories as to why the second player would act seemingly irrationally.  One is that the second player is making a “fairness” judgment:  it’s not fair that the first player is getting more than 70% of the money thus they should get nothing (while the first player gets nothing either).  Another is that the second player is setting themselves up for a better payout just in case there is a second round of the game (while there is no guarantee that there will be).

To test this further, the experimenters went to a bar where they were likely to find drunken (and hence “more rational” people who focus more on short term goals, versus the longer term goal of a better second round).  They found that most drunks would turn down deals for less than 50% of the money.

There is an interesting parallel to negotiations (and mediation discussions).  Parties to a negotiation often will get lost in the emotions of the conflict and instead of seeing their own best interests are taken care of, they become more interested in “hurting” the other party even though it hurts them as well.  If fighting over a fixed pot of money, anchoring (the first offer made by each side) becomes that much more important.

Check the Court’s Child Support Calculations

It was reported last week that there may be a error generated by the software family court uses to calculate child support payments.  As a default (i.e. if there is no other agreement in place), NJ uses a formula known as the child support guidelines.  The court uses software to to the calculations on each case where it is required.  It seems that one litigant found an error in the software’s calculations.  The court is investigating the source of the problem.

So, if the court performed the calculations for you, you may want to manually verify the math.

Here is another reason to mediate your divorce and periodic changes.  Mediating keeps the results on your terms.  For more information, contact NJ divorce mediator Marvin Schuldiner at 732-963-2299 or using this form.